Who is this written for? Me, I think.

Twenty four hours ago, Nate and I got in my car to drive to his parents' new house on the Cape. We got a house tour, he made himself a burger, we went to the supermarket to get something meatless for me, and then we went to the beach. We walked on the beach for a long time, which was very hot and tiring. We went back to the house and watched a little TV, he showered, and we lied down together. He fell asleep and I didn't, but I was glad to be able to cuddle. Then dinner was ready and I had a very hard time getting him to get out of bed to eat with his family, the only time I remember ever sitting down for a meal with them. He ate two pieces of chicken quickly and then went inside without saying anything (we were on the deck), where he stayed for about ten minutes. While he was gone, I felt uncomfortable about his absence, but continued to eat and talk to his mom. He came back and signaled for me to go inside with him, so I did. He lied back down (he felt sick) and we decided to go back to Easton. I asked him to be more polite to his parents, so we thanked his parents and left. I felt tense on the hour and a half-ish ride home. Sometimes it was silent and sometimes he would talk, but when he talked (about past events with his friends) it seemed loud and frustrated to me. Sometimes I talked about somewhat unrelated things. It seemed sort of like we were each talking about things that the other was much less interested in/affected by than we were. Then we got back to his house around nine and I was strangely exhausted. He had said on the ride back that he wanted to spend the night alone, although we had been planning on me staying over. I didn't mind much, but when we got to his house, he said he'd be right back and went inside (I think to look to see if he had left his keys there). While he was inside, I had to pee, so I went inside too. After going to the bathroom, I sat on his couch and waited for him to come down from where he was looking for his keys (I was nearer to the door). That's when I got really tired and didn't want to drive home. He seemed like he kind of wanted me to go home still, because he wanted to smoke, but we agreed that I would go to sleep right away, in a different room, and he could have the night to himself. I started getting ready for bed or something, and we decided to sleep in the same bed. Then he went outside to smoke as I finished getting ready for bed, but I got really nervous about him smoking and decided to avoid him by sleeping in a seperate room. So I started running around, moving my things to his bed (he was sleeping in his parents' bed) and his comforter to his parents' bed. I didn't even think that he might hear my rushed footsteps and realize my urgency to avoid him, but he did. He came into his room and said he wanted to sit with me, but we didn't have to talk if I didn't want to. I agreed and then after some silence we (mostly Nate) started talking, and it was similar to the way it was in the car (like I felt like it wasn't a very other-minded conversation) and I felt more bothered. Then he asked if I wanted to sleep with him in his parents' room, and I said okay, because I felt like I would feel nervous/upset/isolated if I slept alone and tried to ignore what was upsetting me. So we went to his parents' room and both lay down on the bed.

He's very happy to hear from me again

I always have crushes on my professors. Art professor Ryan Boutin said, "I am very happy to hear from you again" when I E-mailed him about taking a class with him this summer. Maybe he has a crush on me too.

Nate says I idealize people who are older than me. I don't think he's right in respect to my friends being older than me, but I wonder if he's right in the way I feel toward my professors. Is this healthy? I think I want to feel smart.

Been round this road so many times, feel like its skin is part of mine

My friend Ashley took this picture. I love it.



My old friend Lydia took this picture of her mom. The way I imagine her mom reminds me of Nate's mom.

My mom just got home and I've been sort of lonely, having nothing to do, all day, but I still sort of wish she didn't. I wish Nate would call me, excitedly and soberly, and we would meet at the top of the rockery and we would suddenly and happily know what to do with our lives. I want to work/intern at some sort of rehab place maybe (eating disorders?), but you need a college degree to do anything.


Nate at a pep rally in 10th grade

Nate hasn't called, so I'm going to go see what epiphanies I can have at the rockery by myself.

So I said, "Oh I didn't know that" -Bob Dylan

I am at breakfast in the dining hall. I got here before 8:15 for the hot breakfast, which I told Andy Jasmin was impossible to do. I did not end up eating any of the hot breakfast items, though, and made an egg and a waffle myself. The waffle was delicious.

I woke up at 7:30 even though my alarm didn't go off since I went to bed early last night. I felt like staying awake would unnecessarily draw out a crappy night. I think the birth control I've been taking is making me really emotional (minus good emotions), and I got in a fight with Nate. Right when I finished typing the E in Nate, I got a good morning text message from him! I feel bad about how my constant pill-induced PMS is affecting our relationship. He is doing things that strain our relationship too, though.

If anyone is reading this entry, I am about to describe last night's dreams in detail, so you might want to stop reading now. It will be boring. Unless you're Nate (the only person likely to read this), in which case you should be interested in everything I have to say ever.

While I was sleeping, I dreamt that I was looking out the window of my house (which was much bigger than usual) and I saw what looked like an army running toward the house from the woods. The army men turned out to be mobsters and they broke into the house. My family and I spent a lot of time trying to sneak out, but were gathered into the kitchen, where I began making the mobsters a salad. I had a big bowl and was picking things out of leftovers in the fridge. There were a bunch of full red peppers and unpackaged slices of green peppers, which were turning brown on the edges. I took out the green pepper slices, in order to clean up the fridge, and intended to cut off the browning edges, but my mom threw them in the salad, along with an entire, uncut thing of celery. She added dressing, and I was concerned about how sloppily she was making the sald. I took out the celery and cut out a large root from it, and cut it apart. I didn't get around to cutting off the sides of the green peppers, and then one of the mobsters pressed himself against me (front to front) and I tried to act nice and sexy to get him to let me and my family go free, which bothered my dad who was right there, but he understood and didn't really protest. Then another gang came to the house and began fighting the first one. That ended with the first gang boss pushing the other gang boss into the front door of the house, while my family and I were on the front lawn. Inside the house was hellishly red and flamy-looking and it was packed with members of the second gang, and I knew it was a gas chamber and they were all about to die. Then everything turned into me and Nate watching a TV in a living room, and I knew that everything that had just happened was actually the movie Requiem for a Dream (which I have never really seen) and an animated picture of the first mob boss giving a thumbs up came on the screen with the words, "The Purpose of Life Is to Be the President of Everything. Think about it!" Although I had been terrified throughout the rest of the dream, I turned to Nate and told him I thought it was a good movie.

I had another dream that Nate was in my room at school even though it wasn't open dorms and he kept talking loudly, so I kept telling him to whisper, so I wouldn't get in trouble, but he completely disregarded me for a while, and then told me to stop telling him that. It kind of reminded me of when I tell him to stop doing something, and he doesn't listen, so I raise my voice, and he acts like I'm being rude for raising my voice (if his parents are in the house). Then, in the dream, we were doing a goofy photo-shoot in the hall for some reason, and the girl that lives next door, Ashley, came over and asked what we were doing. We told her and she acted weirded out, but didn't mention that Nate shouldn't be in the building. I realized after she left that she wasn't concerned about me breaking the open dorms rules, and I felt relieved. Then my RA, Jenna, came over and asked why he was there, and I don't remember what I said to her, but I remember feeling like I didn't know what to do.

Frank told a dumb joke yesterday that helps me remember the name for can't, won't, didn't, etc. Contractions. I'm not going to write the joke in here.

Henry Dobbins

I am so sick of religion. I'm supposed to write a 4-5 page paper on The Things They Carried, but I need a bunch of scholarly sources, and all scholars want to talk about is the religious meanings behind everything. Henry Dobbins is my favorite character in the book. He reminds me of the big, nice guy from Lost that my mom likes.

The secretive thing that Nate did at The Christmas Tree Shop (when I last wrote in here) was buy me a snowman tea set! It is very cute and I like when Nate smiles because he knows he is doing something that I will enjoy.